Okay, so you wanna work on trust in your relationship? Cool, we think that’s a good idea. (Read: Necessary and mandatory LOL!) We all need work on trust and you’re in the right place. We’ve created a list of 4 Steps to start learning about building trust.
We’ll make this quick and easy for ya.
Here’s our best advice. 4 Steps to start learning and building trust:
- Watch this video by Brene Brown and her work Anatomy of Trust. (See below for the cliff notes version.)
- Read up on the Gottman Institute’s research/blog on trust and betrayal. (See below for our favourite and recommended links)
- Send this post to your partner and schedule time in the next 5 days to talk about this together for 20-40 minutes. You can use our Conversation Icebreakers Freebie here to help.
- Commit to practicing this learning in real time. Understand and remember the concept that trust and betrayal happen in incredibly small moments, take the time to choose wisely, as often as you can.
Feel free to use our conversation icebreakers worksheet to help you out if you get stuck. (It’s free!)
Anatomy of Trust Cliff Notes:
Trust is built in the smallest of moments. Think of it like adding marbles to a marble jar. When a moment of trust has been built, a marble is added to the jar. When a moment of betrayal has happened, a marble is taken out. Share your story and heart with those who have earned the right to hear it, meaning those who have marbles it the jar!
Trust is a vague concept. To say ‘we trust you’ or ‘we don’t trust you’, what does that even mean? We like to think of the BRAVING acronym as the words we use, instead of the word trust, in our lives moving forward. This gives us specific and detailed information to do something with.
B-Boundaries – What is okay and what’s not okay.
R-Reliability – Doing the same thing, every single time, over and over and over.
A-Accountability – I can own my mistakes and take responsibility and you can own your mistakes and take responsibility.
V-Vault – Confidentiality—gossip is the back door here! False connection and sharing stories that aren’t yours to share impact trust even when it’s related to an external relationship.
I-Integrity – Choosing courage and what’s right over what’s fun fast or easy.
N-Non-Judgement – I can fall apart in front of you without judgement and you can fan apart in front of me without judgement.
G-Generosity – What is the most generous assumption I could make from this situation right now? What’s the most generous assumption you could make from this situation right now?.
FYI this all applies to your relationship with yourself first.
Gottman Institute Reading:
Trust Quiz (Get a good reading on where you are currently and track your progress):
Love Quiz: Do You Trust Your Partner?
Tips on How To Build Trust (Reflection Questions and 7 Tips)
What to Do if You Don’t Trust Each Other
3 Betrayals To Avoid in A Relationship (No, it’s not just cheating!)
3 Betrayals That Ruin Relationships (That Aren’t Infidelity)
How To Build Trust – Foundational Knowledge ** MUST READ ** (Video by John Gottman PhD. and “ATTUNE” Principle – see below)
How To Build Trust in Your Relationship
Attune Principle for Trust. Start with this acronym as steps to begin in a betrayal situation:
Awareness
Turning toward
Tolerance
Understanding
Non-defensive responding
Empathy
Whew. If you read this far–great job. Now head up to step number one and get to work! Leave us a comment below if you think this is a great start, too! We’d love to hear from ya.
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