• Home
  • About
  • Blog
    • View All
    • Tips
    • Guest Posts
    • Interviews
    • Personal
    • Resources
    • Past Events
  • Work With Us
    • Courses
    • Events
    • Partner With Us
    • Submit a Guest Post
    • Be Featured On the Blog
  • Media
  • Contact
  • Freebies
  • Cart
    • Facebook
    • Instagram

The Relationship Project

Join Our Family!

We like to send love letters with our latest news, events, and more.

(We won't send you junk, we promise!)

You are here: Home / Tips / Responding VS Reacting

Responding VS Reacting

in Tips on 03/26/19

A smiling man with his arms around a smiling woman.

Okay–We’re going there.

Do you know the difference between these two words? Responding VS Reacting. You should.

(And before you start to question yourself–head’s up: We didn’t know the difference for years. It’s okay!)

This concept was something we were introduced to in therapy years ago. At the time, we were constantly bickering, constantly hurt by each other, constantly having mini (or large) explosions or withdrawals towards each other.

We kept having the same situations happen over and over again. It was SO frustrating. (Can you relate?)

When we were finally introduced to the concept of “Responding over Reacting” we were dumbfounded.

First, because it was so obvious. *Facepalm*
Second, because we honestly never thought about it before and it changed everything for us.

Here it is:

When something happens in our world we can view it one of two ways:
1. This is happening TO me.
2. This is happening FOR me.

The first one encourages REACTION. Meaning thoughtless action in response to the trigger. For us, it was either yelling, complaining, bickering, passive-aggressive insults, withdrawal…you get the picture.

The second one encourages RESPONDING. Meaning intentional action in response to the trigger. For us, this mean curiosity. We had to stop and ask questions before we could respond. We had to pause and answer “How is this happening FOR me right now? How would the best version of me respond?” Now while this sounds pretty and nice and easy–It was none of those things in our house.

Hey, you know we’ll keep it real with ya.

It was hard. Excruciating almost.

To stop the momentum we had built up over years, the perfected barbs of pain points, the honed ability to push buttons, the ease to which we deflected responsibility?

It didn’t happen overnight. And full disclaimer: We still have a hard time working on this in real life.

BUT. When we get it right? It’s pretty freakin’ awesome.

Now, you might be thinking, “Cool. So, what does this actually look like in real time?”

For us, it looks something like this:

*Trigger* — 0.234987 seconds into a poor reaction one of us stops in mid-sentence — “Hang on, I need a minute.” — Thinks really hard about what’s actually happening and the stories we’re making up about it. — Debates saying “Eff it.” and reacting anyway. — “Just another minute, okay?” — Thinks even harder about choosing a response that is neutral or positive. — Finally settles on the therapist’s suggestion of asking a question and affirmation. — “Okay, how would you like me to respond to that? I love you and I’m having a hard time here.” — Bites tongue to keep from slinging a passive aggressive comment. — “Yeah, I want to sit with you through this. Help me understand. Then, I would like the chance to tell you how I feel about this.” — Bites tongue again. — Sees a little glimmer of light and thinks, “Shit. This is good.” — Actual change happening and it feels like the twilight zone.

Yep–not that pretty and this is an example of when we sorta get it right.

But here’s the best part.

When you see the difference in these words, it gives you power.

When we just react to something, the situation has power over us. It is “making” us behave a certain way. When you see you have the choice to respond to a situation, rather than react to it, you get to decide. You have the ability to take action in a way you’d like to. When we respond, we are making the choice to be better. (Or at least, that’s what we’re aiming for!) When we respond, the situation that triggered us becomes a tool, not a weapon.

See? That magic? Isn’t that awesome stuff?
Yeah, we think so, too.

Let us know more about whatcha think in the comments and we can keep this conversation going. Or, better yet, send this article to your partner and start the convo with them!

Add a Comment

« Debt Free Journey – Update (Feb 2019)
Our Debt Free Journey – Update (March 2019) »

You might also enjoy...

When You NEED to Get Over Yourself
How To Build Trust – 4 Steps
Blond woman kissing forehead of filipino man on a couch.YOUR RELATIONSHIP AT HOME
A woman with her hand in a peace sign and a man making a funny face in front of a glittery backdropOur Debt Free Journey – Update (March 2019)
Top 6 FAQ’s for Men

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Mr & Mrs Aller, known by their friends as Jake and Taylor, are a Vancouver based power couple. Over the years of their relationship, they’ve seen their share of highs and lows. They believe in marriage and think relationships are delicious–a lot of work–but so very worth it.

10 Stay at Home Date Nights

10 Stay At Home Date Nights

Homebodies like us? We’ve got you covered with our top 10 stay at home date night ideas! (Trust us, they’re legit!)

Freebie Please!

Relationship Project

Load More...

How To Build Trust – 4 Steps

Our Debt Free Journey

Story Telling In Relationships

Tags

Advice Debt Free Family Finances For Men Holiday Interracial LBGTQ Mental Health Our Opinions Overcoming Struggle Social Media Spirituality

  • Home
  • All Articles
  • About
  • Media
  • Contact
  • Submit a Guest Post
  • Be Featured on the Blog
  • Partner With Us
  • Privacy Policy
  • My Account

Copyright © The Relationship Project 2023