If you’ve been around here long enough you’ll know that we’re happy contributors to I Like Her Style Vancouver’s magazine. We love answering your questions over there (anonymously of course!) and dive into the topics you want to know about.
Our latest contribution was all about sex, baby.
Here’s a peek:
“I know every girl says this about her guy but I truly have the best partner in the world! He is the greatest human I have ever been blessed to know. My problem is that I have a very low sex drive. I’m attracted to him, I love him and I want to make him happy but I just don’t have that desire. I know sometimes with women it can be a chemical imbalance but it’s not that. I’m just wondering if you have any advice on that? what should I do? Thank you so much!!”
— Sexy/less Friend
“Thank you for sending this question our way, you are not alone in this one, girl. We’ve thought on some advice and suggestions for you. But before I get into those, I must ask, is wanting a higher sex drive for him or for you?
You mentioned, “I want to make him happy”, is this something you can give more thought to?
Alright, you’re right, it can be a hormonal/chemical imbalance (as well as other reasons which we will outline below!) but also, before we get into that, we want to say: ALL SEX DRIVE LEVELS VARY AND THAT IS NORMAL. It’s not shown in media, it’s not commonly talked about. Stats on partner sex frequency range from 3x/week to 2x/month to even less frequent than that! Even the experts can’t tell you. So if you (like we did!) assumed that everyone has sex so much more often than us, or that we should be having more, it’s not true.
Some questions we want for you to ask yourself (and your partner):
(Be warned there’s a lot!)
– Am I feeling pressured to have sex more often? Where is that pressure coming from? (Myself, partner, media, the mystical universe?)
– How has my body changed over time? Have I always had a lower libido or has this changed with age/physicality? (‘Cause it totally does and it’s completely normal!)
– What are my expectations around sex? (Is it a passionate, spontaneous, only in bed, when I am rested thing? Is it a restaurant washroom quickie thing? Is it a lazy Sunday morning with all the time in the world thing? Are orgasms a must for both of us? All of that? None of that?) THEN ask: Is my day to day life conducive to those expectations or does something need adjusting? (Either the lifestyle or the expectations)
– What is “sex” to me/him/us? (Kissing, penetrations, oral sex, touching…) Having sex or being intimate can be MANY things that are just as satisfying that don’t have to have the pressure of full penetration with orgasm sex. Think about what is satisfying, promotes intimacy, and feels good, then talk about incorporating that into your lives and adjusting those expectations of having “sex”.
– Have you had any/all of these conversations with your partner? Does he know how you feel? What you’re insecure about? What makes YOU happy? What makes him happy? If you haven’t yet, we would highly suggest having MANY conversations with him around it. (We hope you’re comfortable with that!)
Some other reasons for low libido/disinterest:
– Being tired (It’s a LEGIT, researched based, reason!)
– Feeling “Obligated” or “Pressured”
– Pain in the pelvic floor, vagina, or anywhere in the body for that matter
– Lack of supportive intimacy (EG: Meaningful conversations, non-sexual touching and contact, any other support in day to day life)
– Routines (getting in the way of sex, or sexual routines being unstimulating/unsatisfying)
– Sexual abuse/trauma/past experiences
– Hormonal imbalances and variances (Around menstrual cycles as well. Hormonal birth control is a factor to consider here as well.)
Some advice and things to try:”
Continued in the link below!