There’s this myth floating around that goes something like this:
There’s one special person for you in the ENTIRE world. ‘The One’. This person will complete you, be perfect, and make you realize that’s why it never worked with anyone else. There’s a magical force or fate that is driving you two together. There is only one ‘The One’ and you will know it when you find it and live happily every after.
Well, really, there’s many things we don’t agree with in that generalized summary of ‘The One’, but we will just tackle the over-arching falsity about that whole statement.
There’s no such thing as ‘The One’.
Cue the protests:
“But you’re married! Are you saying you didn’t marry ‘The One’?!”
“I know I’m with ‘The One’, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“All the movies, stories and fairytales confirm, there’s ‘The One’ person out there and we need to find each other.”
If we haven’t scared you away yet, let us tell you how we see things.
There’s no such thing as ‘The One’. There’s just choosing-to-make-it-work-with-One (or many, if that’s your thing). There’s so many possibilities of success in a relationship, really you could make a solid partnership and marriage with almost any partner if you both choose to make it work.
It’s not this mythical force driving you towards one single person, and all others being cast as impossible options. It’s making the conscious choice to grow alongside someone you’re attracted to and love.
There’s really 3 requirements, in our eyes, of what can make a great life partner (and no, there’s not just one person with these traits).
Magic – There needs to be that spark, that lust, that I can’t wait to be inside you, hold you, touch you, love on you. The butterflies, the adrenaline. The quick breaths and quicker heartbeats.
Friendship – There also needs to be a solid friendship between the two of you. The support and that soft shoulder to lean on are an essential part, knowing they have your back, and you’ve got theirs.
Choice – (This is the kicker) The conscious awareness that you are choosing this one person (not that they are this mythical unicorn, or that you are for them) and working together. Choosing to grow together rather than apart. Choosing to compromise and give and receive. Choosing to choose them everyday, waking up and saying, “Yep, I choose to be with you today, and tomorrow, and I’ll try my best for forever.” And them choosing you right back.
These 3 things are all it takes, when you boil it down. And, as we’re sure you can clearly see, there’s quite a handful of people that can fit into that baseline. But, it’s simply who we choose to make it work with, and who chooses that back.
“Failed” relationships are simply not choosing each other, not being ready or willing for that, not being able to adjust and grow together–not that they aren’t ‘The One’. And that means then, instead, that those ‘failed’ relationships are really just lessons to help you choose better, so that when the next person that fits these 3 criterion comes along, you know how to choose better (and hopefully so do they!)
When there’s this idea of ‘The One’ that robs us of our ability to be chosen by our partners and robs us of the ability to choose our partners. With out the myth of ‘The One’ floating around, there’s freedom to choose instead of pressure. And that’s a nice feeling!